Domestic violence information: the process of healing

Physical abuse by male social partners is the major cause of injury among women ages 16-24. One in fifty women are affected by domestic violence. Boys who witness a father’s abusive behavior are ten times more likely to be abusers themselves. Children who are the victims of child abuse receive a distorted view of social relationships. One in five children who witness domestic violence have unsuccessful relationships and marriages that end in divorce.

These are the facts. Domestic violence, be it physical, emotional, sexual or verbal, changes everyone in the family unit. Coming out of this situation requires support. Legal, physical and emotional.

Once you have this, carry it on your person. An Order Of Protection cannot guarantee your safety, but police are more likely to take your calls seriously if you have one. The abuser can be arrested and put in jail, if he violates this order. If the abuser is convicted of violating this order, and has violated one in the past, he can be charged with Criminal Contempt in the First Degree, a felony.

This order will also make it easier, if you have left your home, for police to escort you there to retrieve belongings. If you are being harassed or stalked, whether where you live, or at work, an Order of Protection will legally protect you.

Criminal Courts may also be petitioned for an Order of Protection and address the more serious offenses incurred. If the police witnessed the abuse, they may then make an arrest and this will in turn be referred to a Criminal Court. If this is the case, make sure to obtain the arresting officer’s names and badge numbers for future reference. As soon as possible, write down all the facts as you recall them. Detail personal injuries, damage to the home and its contents and whether or not your children were also victims/witnesses.

There are many victim advocate programs which can direct you to safety, health, legal and emotional support. There are battered women’s shelters, homeless shelters, emergency financial assistance programs and court based victim’s advocate programs. There are transitional housing, job training, unemployment, victim compensation and peer support groups available.

Contact your local Child and Family Services, Social Services Department, church, Community Center or the Family Court Advocates Program for details. Some universities also offer programs related to domestic violence recuperation and in some cases legal advice or guidance.

Hopefully any physical effects have been medically dealt with. Be sure that your attending physician is aware that your injuries are directly related to domestic violence and abuse. Obtain copies of your chart, for future legal endeavors.

The emotional side of domestic violence is by far the most invisible, but nonetheless, requires immediate and ongoing attention. As with your legal issues, the Family Court Advocates Program, Child and Family Services and Social Services can direct you to the most appropriate professionals.

Your journey back from the violence wars will have its ups and downs. Though you may get counseling or have strong and sympathetic family and friends to support you, there will be times when you are all on your own. People, places and things can easily trigger those old memories, feelings and senses of depression and fear. This is a time to take care of you. There is an exercise that you can practice to help regain composure. As simplistic as this may seem, you will at least have enough momentary relief to carry on.

Though you may have heard this one before, it still holds true. Take a long deep breath. In with the calm and out with the nasties. Try to center yourself. Close your eyes, take deep slow breaths and continue to do so as you begin to feel the calming.

Remind yourself that you can do this. You will get through this. The negative thoughts that creep in are not valid. You have taken steps to change your life and you will continue on this path to the life you want and deserve. Smile. Yes, smiling will make a world of difference. If at first it is a forced smile, then so be it. Do not allow victimization to lead your life.

There are a number of support groups, domestic violence informational sites and chat rooms on the Internet. You have to search these out and find those that meet with your individual needs. No computer? Go to the library and log on there. Become involved in groups that speak out against these issues. Sometimes working toward a united goal can lift you out of yourself and in to others lives that have been so scarred.

If children are involved, you must be aware that quite often they will suffer guilt, feelings that they have caused this to happen or that they should have been better behaved, are common reactions. There may be mixed emotions. On one hand the child knows that Daddy has hurt him/her or you, but on the other hand there is a certain loyalty to the offending parent. That too, is typical. Children need help, not only from you, but perhaps a professional to sort through it all. There are those who specialize in this area and are the best source for assistance.

Here are some organizations that have more information:

Children's Rights Information Network

The Child Rights Information Network (CRIN) is a membership-driven organization and network of over 1,000 child rights organizations around the world.

National Association of Child Advocates

The National Association of Child Advocates (NACA) is the only national organization devoted to building the capacity of state and local child advocacy organizations. Founded in 1984, NACA is a nationwide network of child advocacy organizations working at the increasingly critical level of America's statehouses, county commissions, and city councils.

Children's Rights Council

CRC works with legislators and testifies at legislative hearings, particularly in the area of family law.

If you are the child of domestic violence and need help, you have rights and places for support. If one of your parents is being hurt by the other, call the police or talk to the police, your teachers at school, a guidance counselor, your priest or minister. Do not hope this will go away or hide from it. You cannot do this alone. You are not at fault and your telling can only help.

If the abusive parent has already been removed from the home, you must be open about your feelings to the parent with you. You must know that talking it out is the best way to sort it all out. Give yourself time to adjust. Things will be different. Your life has changed. Now you are headed for a new life. A better life. It takes time. You will heal. You will smile again.

If you the parent, or you the child, know of a situation where a person or family is at risk, by all means address the issue, but with a measure of caution and common sense. Though you may want to charge in and attempt to put a stop to this, your interference could cause more harm than good. Contacting those professionals who are most familiar with these situations is usually the best route to take.